


I Love You So

by yaekkunsenpai



Series: Heartache (UshiTen) [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: A Silent Voice - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning, M/M, POV Ushijima Wakatoshi, Past Character Death, Sad Ushijima Wakatoshi, Ushijima Wakatoshi Needs a Hug, Wakes & Funerals, Wedding Planning, Weddings, kinda comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:54:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27534850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yaekkunsenpai/pseuds/yaekkunsenpai
Summary: Wakatoshi is conflicted after Satori's passing.
Relationships: Goshiki Tsutomu/Semi Eita/Shirabu Kenjirou, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Series: Heartache (UshiTen) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2025451
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	I Love You So

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, i know it's probably been a while, sorry about the wait. It's obviously going to be longer than the other one.
> 
> It's also been at least 4 months since Satori's death. I guess you don't really have to read the last one to read this one, but you can if you want to. For the phone call and stuff in ushi's pov, it's the latter half of the story.
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy this one <3

Wakatoshi sat at the dinner table. The extra chair and place mat still left in their place, an extra plate and utensils set for someone who'd never come home. His hand was frozen in place, his eyes staring into an empty space across from him. 

Wakatoshi tried and tried to break out of the trance he's stuck in. Yelling at himself to look away, but the replaying of a voice he'll never hear again, echoed in his head. Keeping him still. He knows Semi said it'd be best to put most of Satori's stuff away, but how could he? Everything in this house was decorated and placed in their exact spot by Satori. Even if he forced himself to, what made this house, a home, would disappear. Wakatoshi doesn't think he'll ever bring himself to put anything away, putting them in the attic where they would be covered in dust. 

He never knew something could hurt so bad, yet never get touched. The hand that was frozen in place, twitched, causing the fork to fall onto the table. He immediately broke out of the trance and grabbed a napkin, cleaning his mess up. Stretching a leg out, searching for the ghost of a person. Wakatoshi clenched his jaw, standing up and almost knocking his chair down. 

He gripped the edge of the table until he was sure it would break. 

He knows, he knows, he knows that he should get rid of his stuff. He knows every time he'd look at the figurines and manga and dvds set up on Satori's shelf, he'll cry. He knows when he opens the fridge to see Satori's homemade chocolate made just for him, he'll cry. He knows when he opens their shared drawer and sees Satori's favorite anime shirts, he'll cry. He knows whenever he lays down to sleep and reach for an empty spot, he'll cry. He knows that he'll never watch Satori dance and sing in the kitchen as he cooks, ever again. He knows, he knows that having everything that reminded him of Satori will make him sad and angry. And it hurt, it hurt that these cause him so much pain, yet they keep him whole.

Wakatoshi let go of the table, instead opting to walk towards the door. Wanting to visit Semi again, maybe stay the night. Slipping his jacket and shoes on, he walked out of their dream house. He got in his car, and sat for three minutes, staring at the house. ' _Exactly how we wanted it.'_ Wakatoshi started the car and backed out. He watched the road, whilst stuck in his thoughts.

He remembered how when he and Satori first saw the house listed online, they immediately contacted the seller. When they drove almost three hours to get there, they didn't regret it at all. He remembered the big smile on Satori's face as they toured the house. How he seemed to brighten when they got to the kitchen. Immediately opening the already installed fridge. It was huge, and had a big freezer. Perfect for storing his batches of chocolate, which were perfect for taste testing. They took out a loan, buying the house. _"Isn't it perfect, Wakatoshi?"_

Wakatoshi smiled. He turned onto the road leading to Semi's house. Looking at the bright lights coming from his large house. 

He pulled into his driveway. Pulling out his phone, he texted Tsutomu. ' _Hey, are you guys doing anything today?'_

He got an immediate response. ' _No, are you wanting to come over?'_

' _Yeah, is that alright?'_

_'Of course, you're always welcome!'_

' _Okay'_ Wakatoshi got out of his car. Walking up the pathway leading to their front door. He rang the doorbell.

Tsutomu opened the door, surprised. "How'd you get here so fast, Ushijima-san?" "I was already outside." "Oh- Ok. Would you like some tea?" "That'd be nice, thanks, Tsutomu." "No problem, Eita is in the living room with Kenjirou." Wakatoshi nodded, slipping off his shoes in the doorway. He headed towards the living room, coming into the room, the two waved at him. "Hi, Wakatoshi." "Hello, I hope I'm not interrupting anything." "Nope, we were just watching a movie. Want to join us?" "Sure." Wakatoshi sat on the recliner by the couch. Eita smiled, pulling Kejirou closer in his lap.

"We were thinking of meeting up with Taichi, Hayato and Reon tomorrow, is that alright?" "Where at?" "Hm, just at a fancy restaurant. You know, treat ourselves?" Ushijima watched the screen for a couple seconds. Eita patiently waiting for an answer. "That sounds nice. What time?"   
Tsutomu walked in with a tray with four mugs of tea on top. He set it down on the coffee table, handing Wakatoshi a mug. "Here you go." "Thank you." Tsutomu smiled, "My pleasure." Then he handed the other two their mugs. "Thanks hun." Tsutomu nodded, sitting down at Eita's side.

"As I was saying, we set up a time of 7pm. Would that be okay?" "Yeah, I have time off tomorrow. I don't start practice again until next week." "Okay. That's good." Eita grabbed the remote from the side of the couch. "Can you hear it well?" "It's a little quiet." Eita turned it up a few. "That okay?" "Yeah."

-

After watching three movies, Eita and Tsutomu had gradually fallen asleep. Only Wakatoshi and Kenjirou were still up. Kenjirou grabbed the remote, turning it off. "Are you staying the night?" "I won't if you are not comfortable with it." "No, it's okay. I'm just asking. Plus, I need help carrying these two up the stairs." "Alright." Wakatoshi pushed himself out of the chair. "Which one will you carry?" "Hm, Eita, he's a little lighter." "Okay."

Wakatoshi picked up Tsutomu, walking towards the stairs. Kenjirou carrying Eita on his back. Wakatoshi walked up the stairs, waiting for Kenjirou at the top. 

"Ugh, Eita has gained some muscle. Maybe- that's why he's so heavy." Kenjirou whined, almost crawling up the steps. "Would you like me to help you?" "Nah, it's okay I got it." Kenjirou got to the top, his legs shaking a bit. Wakatoshi followed him into their bedroom. "Just lay them onto the bed, I'll go grab some blankets and pillows real quick." 

Kenjirou left after setting Eita on the bed. Wakatoshi gently laying Tsutomu beside him. He waited, standing by the door. Kenjirou came back with two blankets and some pillows. "Here, you can sleep in the spare bedroom or on the couch. Whichever one you'd like." Wakatoshi thanked him. "Good night." "Goodnight, Ushijima-san." Kenjirou closed the door behind him. 

Wakatoshi walked down the stairs, setting up the pillows. He laid down, pulling his blanket up to his chest, lying flat on his back. He closed his eyes, slowing his breath down, calming his heartbeat.

He slowly fell asleep.

_At first, there was nothing but blackness. No noise, nothing. He was just staring into an abyss._

_Then, it felt like he blinked, and he was at an alter. The wedding officiant standing beside him, she had long black hair. He noticed her as one of Satori's friends. She was dressed formally for the occasion. She turned and smiled at him. 'Feeling nervous, Ushijima-kun?' He was about to ask why, but the sound of doors opening and a piano beginning to play, interrupted him. Satori walked down the aisle, all their friends and family turning their heads to watch him. He was dressed in a beautiful white suit, his hair and eyes contrasting with the color. Wakatoshi watched him, up until he stopped in front of him._

_The officiant started explaining the ritual of handfasting and what it meant. Wakatoshi remembered wanting to do a handfasting ceremony, Satori had quickly agreed. The colors they agreed upon were purple (for spiritual strength), red (for passion), and green (for fertility and growth). The wedding officiant asked them to join hands. They both had agreed that their parents would be the one to wrap the ribbons. So, both pairs of parents walked up, grabbing the ribbons from the wedding officiant._

_They started wrapping them around their joined hands, the wedding officiant reciting vows. When the ribbons were done, the officiant asked them to recite their personal vows._

_Wakatoshi stared Satori in the eyes. He had read his own, over and over again. The words came to him easily._

_"Satori, I have finally discovered the meaning of real love. For as long as I live I will love, respect and honor you. I will be committed to self-growth and to the growth of our relationship. I promise to be honest and to communicate my needs and feelings. Just as i promise to listen to yours. I will be faithful to you in mind, body and spirit. I will be your best friend and life partner no matter what life brings us. Today, I pledge my commitment to you." Wakatoshi stated. He looked at Satori, waiting for him to recite his._

_Satori smiled gloomily, squeezing his hands tighter. "I'm dead, Wakatoshi. We've kept our vows a secret. Now you'll never know."_

_When Wakatoshi blinked, it was only him and Satori at a rundown, abandoned place. Satori had dark circles under his eyes, and his skin was deathly pale. Satori was dressed in the clothes he had left in for his hiking trip. Satori had let go of his hands, the ribbons becoming undone. "I'm sorry for leaving so soon." Wakatoshi held on tighter, unable to speak. Satori looked at him solemnly. "I'm sorry."_

Wakatoshi woke up with a jolt. The room was dark, he sat up, rubbing at his eyes. He had noticed that when he pulled his hand away, his knuckles were slightly damp. He wiped them off on his shirt. He got up to wash up. When he got to the bathroom on the lower floor, he met Kenjirou. "Oh- Ushijima-san, why are you up early?" Wakatoshi stayed silent. Kenjirou went back to brushing his teeth. "I had a dream...about Satori." Kenjirou spit out the toothpaste. Putting the toothbrush into its container. "Sorry, you caught me off guard. You usually only talk about it with Eita- Anyways, do you want to tell me what it's about? If you're comfortable."

Kenjirou walked out of the bathroom, going into the kitchen, turning on the light. He got out some food. "Yes, I would like to openly express my feelings with more of my friends...I would like to build more of a bond with them." Wakatoshi spoke, sitting down at the table. Kenjirou almost choked. Feeling honored that Wakatoshi wants to be open with him.

"At first, it was just black. Then I was at an altar with one of Satori's friends, but she was the marriage officiate. Satori walked down the aisle. We wanted a handfasting ceremony. Our parents tied the ribbons. We- I spoke my vows...Satori didn't. He told me he was sorry that he left so soon. Then, I woke up." Kenjirou was making omelettes and bacon. "Oh, is that why you're up early? It's barely even 6 am." "Yeah." They sat in silence for a few minutes. The only sound was the skillet sizzling.

Kenjirou got done and prepared two plates. He gave one to Wakatoshi, sitting across from him. "Ever since his passing, I've had trouble staying in the house. I always went out. But for the past week, I forced myself to stay in. Because, Kageyama and Eita had told me that either I needed to get rid of his stuff or try to cope with my grief." Wakatoshi took a bite out of his omelette. Kenjirou listening intently. "I actually had kind of a breakdown at practice last week. They sent me home, and told me to take a break for a bit." Wakatoshi took a long gulp of his orange juice. "I was just frustrated. I couldn't be in the house, because looking at his stuff made me think about his passing. But I really missed him, but really angry that he didn't just tell me he was hurt." Wakatoshi gripped his fork, making jerky movements at his food. Kenjirou watched silently.

"I mean...If he had just told me, I would have been there immediately." Kenjirou spoke up, "But..the police said his body was two hours away and at least three miles out- we, we never would've made it in time." Wakatoshi put his head down.

"Yeah...but I would've at least tried. I could've been there, we could have found him sooner..." Wakatoshi spoke, gloomily. For almost 9 hours, they had been searching for him. He had been gone for hours, he didn't even come home. So, Wakatoshi worriedly filed a missing person report. 

When they found him, Wakatoshi couldn't believe it. The autopsy revealed he had died minutes after the call. Wakatoshi was mad at himself for not realizing Satori was hurt. But also sad that he had to suffer alone. He didn't believe it all throughout the funeral either. He felt like Satori was still there, ready to call out his name. But when he waited to hear his voice, it never came. When it actually started to hit him, that Satori was gone. He shed quite a few tears. Seeing everyone they used play with, rivals and teammates from school made him miserable. Everyone here, came to see Satori one last time. He was the front row, the first seat. There was a line of people who weren't relatives who lined up for the open casket, the line also went infront of the people in the first row. Reserved for close family members and loved ones.

Satori's parents and grandparents were with him at the front. 

First came their old teammates from high school. They all gave him a hug. 

Second, came their rivals, who gave him a handshake and ' _sorry for your loss'_ with a sympathetic tone.

Then, came his current teammates who gave him a hug as well and some comforting words.

Last, came Satori's friends he made during his stay in Paris. They all looked as miserable as him. They all shared empathy with him.

Wakatoshi didn't eat the rest of his breakfast. Kenjirou frowned, worriedly. "Uhm, Ushijima-san. You can always talk to me anytime, on call, text or in person. Although Tendou was..unique, he was still a good friend. I was devastated when you called us to tell us that he was missing. Even more devastated when we found him. I just want you to know, that we all miss him and we want to do the best we can for you."

Wakatoshi looked up. "But, every time I think about him, I feel so fucking sad, I don't even know what to do anymore." Kenjirou looked at the clock, five minutes until he had to leave for medical school. "Maybe, when we work out your feelings, you can feel joy instead of heartbroken." "It seems impossible. I don't know what to do without Satori." "Just push through it, like you always do. Satori will never leave us in memory, he will always be with us in our hearts. He'd probably get mad at you for being so depressed, he'd scold you and tell you to do your best at volleyball." Kenjirou smiled a bit at the end.

Wakatoshi nodded, still a little unsure. "But, what if I never get over it." "You will, you're strong Ushijima-san. I respect you and admire you a lot, I strongly believe that you _will_ make it through this." Wakatoshi looked up at Kenjirou. "Thank you, but I believe you will be late if you do not leave now." Kenjirou snapped his head up at the clock, a minute after six am. He hurriedly made his way to the door. "Oh uh, Ushijima-san, can you tell Tsu and Ei that I love them?" He yelled out, pulling on his shoes. "Sure." Wakatoshi replied. "Thanks!"

After Wakatoshi had cleaned up, he waited for Eita and Tsutomu to wake up. Sitting on the couch, he thought about what Kenjirou said. ' _Maybe one day, but no time soon._ ' He also thought about how Satori would say to him now, especially seeing the state he's in. He smiled a little, maybe he would start enjoy being home. 

A couple minutes had passed, Tsutomu had made his way down the stairs. "Oh, Ushijima-san, did Ken already leave?" "Yeah, he wanted me to tell you he loves you guys." "Oh? Okay, I'll text him." Tsutomu said, pulling out his phone. Wakatoshi stood up. "I will be taking my leave, I strongly desire a shower. Would you tell Eita what I told you Shirabu said?" "Sure! See you later." Wakatoshi nodded, sliding his shoes on at the door.

He got into his car, backing out. He started the drive home.

He arrived thirty minutes later. Pulling into the driveway, he looked at the house again. There was that small hope at the back of his mind, saying Satori will be there when he opens that door. Another voice, filled with anxiety, worried about going through the doorway. Afraid of seeing all of their memories that they made together, and once again feeling hopeless. Feeling the urge to go back to the Semi household, but he had already bothered them enough.

Wakatoshi sighed, opening the car door. Walking along their pathway, lined with flowers. He hesitated at the door, his key shaking in his hand. 

He clenched his jaw, tears filling his eyes. He forced himself to open the door. It was quite and dark.

He walked towards the abandoned dishes on the table, putting them away in the cabinets. His teeth biting his lip, it didn't sit well with him. The quiet. Usually Satori would be home making chocolate while watching anime. Wakatoshi didn't have a problem with it before. Before he met Satori, he was the quiet kid who was just exceptional in sports. Most kids had isolated him because he didn't get social cues or jokes. He had always spent time practicing with his father or gardening with his mother, even then, it was quite.

After he met Satori, he had become accustomed to the noise. It felt like such a basic need. Wakatoshi only spoke with concise words, often only with acquaintances. With Satori, after years of encouragement, he had began to love spilling his thoughts and heart out for Satori. Often rambling about his day, the pretty plants he saw in the window of a shop, or simply talking about his most precious memories. Long distance was hard, when the other lived in Paris, but he managed with Satori's calls every night. 

Now, he had nothing of Satori's physical form. It's all six feet under. 

He supposes he has Satori's prized possessions. But, he could come to appreciate them.

Wakatoshi walked up the stairs, coming to a stop in front of their bedroom door. He pushed it open, going towards the desk with Satori's decorated laptop. Stickers from different animes splayed out.

Wakatoshi sat down on the bed, placing the laptop in front of him. He opened it, the tabs still open. He scrolled through each of them. One was shopping, some were food. The tears gathered in his eyes fell at each blink.

The one that made him stop, was the one opened on an anime site. Satori had an account, ' _guessmonster'_. He scrolled down to where it said last watched. ' _A Silent Voice? Ah, the one he was talking about.'_ Wakatoshi clicked. The movie started one hour after the beginning. Wakatoshi didn't bother to rewind it.

He sat, unmoving for the remaining duration of the movie. Letting the tears fall. 

-

Wakatoshi had gotten home, taking off his shoes. Remembering Satori went for a hike, since it was a nice day. ' _It's a nice day out, Wakatoshi, I'm not gonna waste it! I'll bring back some souvenirs for ya.'_ He texted him before he left, since Wakatoshi left earlier for his morning run.

Wakatoshi grinned thinking back to Satori's words. He jumped into the shower, enjoying the cool after a rough day of practice. He scrubbed at his scalp.

Once done, he got out. Drying his hair off with a hair-blower, then getting dressed in loose shorts and a sleeveless hoodie. He started brushing his teeth, doing his skincare routine at the same time. 

Walking into their bedroom, he decided he was a little parched. Craving for a smoothie, he got out milk, bananas, strawberries, and _just_ a little ice cream. He wanted to save some for Satori later. He scrolled through his phone while drinking it at the table, seeing an ad for a new restaurant down the street. It already had reviews, saying they had the best steak ever. He became hungry thinking about the food. He was about to text Satori if they could eat out tonight, when his ringtone interrupted him. The caller ID was Satori. 

He answered.

“Satori? How’s the hike going?” Wakatoshi asked, worried after he had found out the trail Satori was on, spanned about four miles into the mountains, two hours away. He probably wouldn't be home until the evening.

_ “ Just swell, Toshi.” _

“Oh well, that’s good. I was thinking we can go out to eat tonight?” He put his cup in the sink, promising to wash the dishes later.

“Y _eah~ Where’d you want to eat?”_

“I was thinking that new restaurant down the street. I heard they have really great steak.” Wakatoshi opened the fridge, putting his ingredients away.

_ “And you want to try it?” _

“ Yeah.” Wakatoshi walked over towards the living room, sitting on the couch and looking out the window.

_ “I’m craving chocolate ice cream. Maybe we can grab some before we head back home?” _

“ That’ll be good too, then when we get back, we can watch that movie you rented.” He asked, taking a dvd out of a bag. Looking at it and reading the summary.

_ “ ..mm yeah. Hey, Wakatoshi, you’re awfully talkative. Where was this energy when i wanted to talk about shonen jump~!” _

“ Sorry Satori, i just really missed you. This is the first time in two months that we’ve got time to ourselves. I’ve also really wanted to talk about our arrangements in person and not just text.” Wakatoshi spoke honestly. Thinking about how their free time never seemed to line up, always just discussing marriage arrangements on call or text. He felt joyous that they'd have time just to talk in person and in each other's presence.

_ “...”  _ Wakatoshi got worried.

“Satori? You still there?”

_ “ hmm, yeah. Just saw this really colorful bird fly by~ It was really pretty.”  _ Maybe he could ask him what it was.

He suddenly remembered the package that was on their front porch.

“ Oh okay. Well, your package got here, earlier.” 

_ “Oh! The ones with my anime figurines? Do me a favor~” _

“ Yeah?” He answered.

_ “ Can you put those up for me? Pretty please~” _

“Sure, i’m not doing anything else.” Wakatoshi got up, holding the phone between his head and shoulder. He picked the white package up, holding it under his arm. He headed off towards the extra bedroom, reserved for their interests. They barely get guests anyway. Even if they did, they didn't stay the night.

_ “Thank you so much, Wakatoshi~!”  “oh also..” _

“Hm?”

_ “..You know i love you a lot, right?” _

“ Yeah.” An easy answer.

_ “ And that i’ll only love you for the rest of my life?” _

“ Yeah..?” It became a little weird, was he trying to tell him something?

_ “ No matter how far apart we are?” _

“ Yeah—Satori, what’s wrong?” He cut off, worried and stopping in his tracks.

_ “ Nothing, just wanted to make sure you know.” _

“Know what?”

_ “ How much i love you.” _

“Well, i love you a lot, too.” 

_“...okay, i’ll let you go now. Later, Toshi~”_

“Later, Satori.” ---- beep beep

' _I'll tell him i love him, in person later. He seemed like he wanted to reassure me of something, I hope he feels well. His voice was a little scratchy, I'll make some tea.'_ Wakatoshi murmured, opening the package and assembling the figurine. He gently set it down on a new section of Satori's white shelf. He gathered all the trash, putting them in a box and setting them aside to take to the recycling bin later. 

He walked down the carpeted stairs, already thinking of the perfect tea for Satori.

-

The tea had gotten cold.

Wakatoshi was on the phone with the police, telling them about Satori. It was now about, 4am, and still no sign of Satori. Their dinner reservation had been missed and Wakatoshi was exhausted. He didn't know what to do, he really hoped someone hadn't injured Satori or taken him or worse...

The woman on the other line had told him to calm down, and that they would find him. He wanted to cry, but he couldn't. The situation just didn't seem real. He really hoped to wake up with Satori laying next to him, telling him it was just a nightmare. After about 15 minutes of questioning, he was told they'd update him if anything came. Saying they'd look around the area he was last reported to be.

Wakatoshi sat on the couch, the night as dark as it can be. The only light coming from his phone.

He ended up calling Eita. After continuous ringing for a minute, the other had finally picked up. 

"Wakatoshi? It must be important if you stayed on." Eita's voice was rough and deep, he heard Kenjirou telling him to go back to sleep. 

After a couple beats of silence, Wakatoshi responded. "Satori never came home."

It sounded like Eita jerked awake. "What?"

"He never came home and I filed a missing persons report, I don't even know if this is a dream or not."

"..I, I can assure you that this is definitely real. Atleast I think so." 

Wakatoshi pressed his lips together. "Can I come over?"

There was movement on the other side of the call, and a faint, slurred yell.

"Yes, you can. Please come as soon as you can."

"Okay."

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't know what to do with the wedding part (or the wedding), but i did add handfasting, with the ribbon colors and their meanings. If i am wrong about anything on the handfasting ceremony, please tell me (i just did quick google searches).  
> I really don't know how to do vows, but i just used love quotes. I hope that's okay. I also don't know how autopsys work, but lets pretend i do.  
> I kinda had Satori, not like retire but return to Japan to live with his fiancee (Ushi).  
> I had this started, like two weeks ago, but i've finished it today. I also kinda, just a smidge rushed a bit, because my hands cramped up. If there are any typos please let me know.
> 
> I love feedback, so if you want, maybe write a comment?
> 
> Thanks for reading this <3


End file.
